An Open Letter to my Raison D’être

This letter is long overdue, and while I’ve been piecing millions of words together in my head since the day we met, I still don’t think these words I’ve chosen will ever get my point across, but I owe it to you to make an effort. Yes, I owe you; more than you realize, but perhaps this letter will put it in perspective. To show you how you’ve affected my present and future, I suppose I should start with the past and work my way up. Grab a coffee and get comfortable; this could be a bit of a read. I know you always listen to my ramblings about everything and nothing, and I love you for that, but this time I honestly and truly have something to say. This is me pouring my heart out in the only form I know how, and laying my cards on the table; even the ones you may not have been aware were even part of the deck.

You know I was not new to love when we first met. As you know, I was dating someone when we met officially, but my relationship was not a happy one. Before I’d met him, I’d found myself at a crossroads in my life. I had my heart broken one too many times and no longer knew how I felt about anything. I was so used to pretending to be okay, and had become accustomed to convincing the world that I would always be ‘just fine.’ It had gotten so bad that I was stuck in this strange region between numbness and crippling sadness that seemed to follow me like a bad dream everywhere I went. I found myself living less, and trying to simulate what I thought life was supposed to be. The world I had seen ten years ago in vivid colour-vision had grown less and less so throughout the years. At this point, I couldn’t see much colour anymore.

Then I saw you.

I know the moment was different for you; in fact, I know this moment is insignificant to you because neither of us really knew what would happen between us.
I remember looking up at you and into your eyes for the first time and seeing a burst of light that I hadn’t seen since I still believed in love. No man I had met, no person I’d fallen for had ever hit me like this. Naturally, at first I wasn’t sure how to take it. After being numb for so long, it felt as though I’d forgotten how to breathe, but someone had breathed life into my lungs again. From that day on, I couldn’t get you out of my head. I tried to push away what I felt out of fear, but somehow I always knew I wouldn’t be able to suppress how I felt.

That all felt so long ago. Ages, almost. Despite how long we’ve been together, what we’ve been through, and what we’ve seen, we’re still here stronger than I ever thought we could be. There are still little habits I can’t shake that I had when our relationship was fresh and new; feeling a sense of warmth and a swell of pride when I see your eyes light up as you talk about your passions, waking up in the morning to hear you snoring away and loving that start to my day, sneaking glances of admiration from the passenger’s seat, and revelling at how perfectly your hand fits around mine.
I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude toward you for more than just the amazing dates you’ve taken us out on, the situations you’ve seen me through (even when I was being an insufferable cow), and the memories we’ve made. I mean this in the most literal sense; you saved my life simply by being yourself. Frankly , you may as well have stopped a bullet aimed directly at my chest.

I, without a shadow of doubt, owe you my life.

At first, I was concerned that I was living solely for you; that you have become my identity, which I knew would be just as toxic as gargling battery acid. As I continued along my life, I realized something; you become my second chance at life. You were once my only reason to hang on. But somewhere along the way, I found myself, too. I found my passions, my confidence, and I found myself capable of being emotionally independent when the need arose, which I found only solidified my love and admiration for you tenfold. I realized you were not only my love, you had become my best friend, my partner-in-crime, my mentor, my guiding light, and in a word, my home. It was then I realized that my home wasn’t where I grew up, or the roof over my head; my home was, and still is you. Simply you.

This necklace of yours you’ve had me hold on to all this time is the only one I ever wear, and I wear it each and every day. I’m not religious, but every day as I place it around my neck, I close my eyes and wish for everything you deserve and more; all the success and good fortune, the courage to keep fighting through every hardship you are forced to face, and the hope that you will never doubt how much you are loved and appreciated. You are always fresh in my mind, no matter my situation, and when all is said and done, when the day is over and it’s time for my home to return, I will be there waiting with open arms, a better and stronger woman than before.

So, to conclude this letter and end my tendency to babble, I just want to say this:

Thank you for being my everything. Thank you for being my home, my love, my friend, and my hero. I will forever owe you this life, and every life I live until time ceases to flow. Even then, I will always find a way. I love you to the moon and back.

Yours, forever and always,
~B

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